The Big Decision

RETRO POST

I wrote this last year and kept it in a safe place until I decided whether or not I wanted to publish it. Although it’s quite personal, maybe it will help others who are feeling the same as I was at the time.

* * *

I am writing this post today, October 2, 2009 not knowing when I will be able to make it public, if ever. I debated whether or not it’s a good idea for me to write about it at all, but I’ve always had an innate need to write, mostly and especially when I have serious or deep thoughts about something. This is a big and very personal decision in my life and I feel the need to write about it, even if no one will ever read it or if it will be read a long time from today.

I want to talk about my/our decision to try to start a family; my current feeling is to keep things private until we are in the clear so I will tuck this away until the time is right.

For many, many years I couldn’t wait to grow up, get married, have a baby and start my family. I always thought I’d be one of the first Moms out of my group of friends from high school. Turns out I’m one of the last. At one time it really bothered me…I didn’t want to be an “old” Mom. In fact, I wanted to be done having two, possibly three children by the time I was 25. Yikes! Looking back, I don’t know what I was thinking!

Obviously it was important to me to have other things situated – the right husband, a nice home, a higher education, and a good job. As Andy and I began to build our life together I got really excited about the idea of having a family with him and I couldn’t wait to get married, get a new house, have a baby. When we talked about when would be a good time a few years back I didn’t think I could stand to wait until 2009 or after! But, I wanted to do things “the right way” and I wanted to take time to enjoy planning our perfect wedding, and to finish our MBAs.

Funny thing is, now that 2009 is nearly over and those things are a thing of the past, I started to think quite the opposite; I really liked our life and at one point began to question if I wanted children at all anymore. There were so many things to worry about when you’re a parent and the only way I knew how to prevent them from happening was to avoid it completely. I remember just a few months ago when I was out in DC I went to a bookstore. I walked past the pregnancy section and remembered how I used to feel about being excited to have a baby. I picked up a few books and flipped through them. I no longer felt excited or happy about it. In fact, I surprised myself by getting almost nauseous and stressed out about it. My heart was racing and I was driving myself nuts at the mere thought; I had to get away from those books – the thought alone was making me sick! I couldn’t believe it! Now that my life was absolutely perfect in every way I could ever want, for the first time in my life I suddenly didn’t think I would want to have a baby, ever.

Andy never wavered. He stood by the fact that he wanted kids one day but was agreeable to waiting awhile. He assured me my fears were not uncommon and could be conquered if we both worked together to be the best parents we could. If I wanted to wait, he was fine with that. (He is amazing, isn’t he?)

It has been a crazy few months. I’m not sure when exactly it started, maybe after graduation, but I have been questioning this subject almost on a daily basis. Ugh. It has been terrible.What do I really want? Can I overcome my fears? Why do I feel like this? What if I wait too long and change my mind? What if I can’t have children? Sometimes I would bring up the topic with Andy and bless his heart he has been so patient, promising me it’s not as bad as I think. He suggested I stop thinking about all the potential negative aspects and instead focus on the good parts.

And then, almost instantly I changed my mind again. It sounds odd, I know. It’s not like I’m deciding what I’ll have for lunch…I’m talking about a human life, a decision that will affect not only my life, but to some extent the lives of our families, too. I’m not really sure what happend. My whole perspective started to change, like almost instantly. I got to thinking about the time I spent with my nieces, and the things we talked about during our Girl Trip. My old BFFs and I talked a lot on the way there and back about a ton of things in life. When KC sang “There Goes My Life” Natalea leaned over to me and said, “This is really what it’s like.” When I got back that weekend I finished reading “The Big Love,” which is about a girl in her early 30s going through relationship issues. There were several meaningful passages in that book that really hit home and it made me stop and think about how wonderful my life is with Andy, how I didn’t want to live the rest of our lives just the two of us, and how I wanted to experience the joys and even the challenges of having a family with him. Suddenly, I very much wanted that to happen. Like now!

Andy & I had the big discussion recently and decided that we would start with (excuse the pun) baby steps by no longer taking measures to prevent it from happening. Of course, my controlling/planning /obsessive self took over almost immediately and the next thing you know I’m all excited, doing everything I can to help my fertility and really hoping that it happens…soon!

So, if you are reading this it is either because I am in fact pregnant, or am having trouble getting pregnant and have opened up about the challenges I’m experiencing. Let’s hope it’s the first option. I’m usually not this lucky, but I literally just wrote this post on how I’m oddly happy today. In the back of my mind I am hoping it is because my body has a secret and that I am in fact one of the very lucky girls who is in the process of getting pregnant right now, on the very first attempt.

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Well, here we are just 10 short months later and I am sitting with our beautiful baby asleep in my arms. Not once during this incredible journey did I question our decision or get scared about the future again. I know there will be some challenges in the years to come, but I hear the joys outweigh the bad stuff tenfold. Plus, come what may, I truly believe Andy & I can get through anything together. 

Despite numerous people telling us how our lives will never be the same…do this and that now before it’s too late, things will be chaotic…etc., Andy & I both agree the transition into parenthood has not bothered us one bit. I decided it must mean we were definitely ready and the time was right. No doubt about it, Kayden is a wonderful blessing and a welcome addition to our life. Now that we have her I cannot imagine a moment without her.

She is unquestionably one of the best decisions and greatest accomplishments of my entire life.

Free Canvas Print

I’m super excited…I was poking around the Freebies on the How Does She blog and I found an offer for a free 8×10 canvas print! Or, you can do like I did and upgrade to a larger version at a discounted price plus shipping.

You may recall the card we received from Andy’s Grandma in this post. I loved it so much I knew I needed to do more than just save the card so I used the verse on one of our favorite photos to create this:

I used the special offer from the Canvas People to save $55 off a 11″ x 14″ canvas print. Cannot wait to see it! I may cry every time I read it.

Strike a Pose

Here’s a sneak peek of our newborn photos taken yesterday, courtesy of the fabulous Ann Steward: 

Daddy calls this my Lady Gaga photo.

 Black & Pink & Poka Dots – Mommy loves this!

 

 

I Cried Today

While Daddy was getting his swell on at the gym today, Kayden and I sat at home (still plugged into the biliblanket) watching TV. I looked down at her tiny face and felt the tears stream down mine. She is absolutely beautiful; half Andy, half me, 100% amazing. I have never felt happier, or more blessed than I do now. Her presence has filled a spot in my heart I never knew was missing. I always knew being a Mommy would be wonderful, but had no idea how powerful it would feel when that day came.

I swear someone might have to surgically remove this baby from my arms one of these days. My friend Vicki, a mother of four, gave me some good advice. She said “So what if you hold her every day. Sure she might get used to it and hang on you for the next few years but so what? One day she won’t want much to do with you so you go ahead and hold her all you want now no matter what anyone says.” Thanks Vicki, that makes me feel better. =) 

I was also thinking about the most amazing card we got from Andy’s Grandma Meckley. It reads:

SOMEDAY, she’ll be a famous pianist
or a high school science teacher.
She’ll settle down, marry, have a couple of kids.
Maybe she won’t.

SOMEDAY, she’ll help millions of people
all over the world.
Or maybe she’ll travel,
send letters from Africa
or phone you from Rome.
SOMEDAY, she’ll be a strong,
confident woman…

…but you’ll always remember
the first time
you held her in your arms.

SOMEDAY, she’ll have
her own hopes and dreams,
not knowing that once upon
a quiet time, you closed your eyes
and dreamed
to have her in your life.

So yes, I cried today. I might even cry tomorrow. But it’s okay; they are all happy tears. I am simply bubbling over with pure happiness.

First Doctor Visit

We took Kayden for her newborn visit yesterday. Everything was great except Dr. Wenck still thought she looked like she had Jaundice. Test results came back at 14.4 and they suggest we use a Biliblanket for a couple days and go back for another visit on Friday. =(

The Biliblanket is a paddle with fiber-optic light that is placed on her back 24/7, or as much as possible. It will help break down the bilirubin so her little body can process and get rid of it. Poor little baby looks like an electric glow-worm.

Good news is she is nursing better and more frequently so that will also help flush the bilirubin out of her system. Hopefully we can get rid of the equipment tomorrow and have a mobile baby again!

The First Night Home

    

Kayden came home on Tuesday, July 20th. Andy & I were both exhausted but unbelievably happy.

Meeting the dogs:

The dogs were wound up like an 8-day clock when we got home, which is par for the course when we’ve been gone for a few days. Plus, Andy gave them all baths right away, another surefire way to get them all crazy. Then obviously Kayden brought in a lot of new sounds and scents so the dogs were C-R-A-Z-Y trying to take her in and see what she was all about!

We took her to visit my grandparents that afternoon and she had a few visitors in the early evening.  I tried to sleep during the day/evening since she was sleeping but I was too excited; I just wanted to hold her, stare at her and love on her every moment I could. So, while I sat in awe over our beautiful baby Andy was in full force picking up the house getting things in order and cleaning, which is always nice. =)

I tried to nurse her as much as possible due to the low blood sugar issue in the hospital. She was getting better, but not where she needed to be yet. Andy & I finally started to wind down around 10 PM or so and wouldn’t you know that’s about the time little Miss Kayden decided to get up. =) None of us got much sleep that night.

Kayden suddenly caught on to nursing and wanted to nurse 15-30 minutes at a time every hour or two so I let her. Later the doctor said 15 minutes per side was enough, she was likely using me as a pacifier. But, I will do whatever it takes to make sure she’s getting enough and that her levels are appropriate.

How will we ever be able to say no to this face?

Embracing the Belly

Dramatic Baby

We were so lucky to have gotten a video of part of the ultrasound! The nugget was jumping all around for the first part of the ultrasound and the u/s tech kept trying to get the baby to flip over on it’s back. She was poking around, having me flip to one side, flip to the other, cough, sit up, just anything to get Nugget to move. Then, she caught this on video, as if the baby is saying, “Oh fine! If I must!” We laughed and laughed and the baby finally turned!

Vinyl Decals for Makenna’s Room

Our good friends the Wilsons were expecting a new bundle of joy on December 18th.  For their gift I did some custom decals for the baby’s room, which coordinated with their gender-neutral bedding set. And because I love them so much, I even put the decals up for them too. Well, I should clarify…Daddy-to-be-Dave was a fabulous assistant while Handy Andy and soon-to-be Mommy Renee supervised.

Dave & Renee wanted something simple, that would grow with the room and the baby over the years. They settled for a a few geometric shapes on each side of the window and a cute quote above the changing table/dresser:

Renee also wanted the baby’s name above the crib but because they didn’t know if they were having a boy or girl we’d have to wait awhile. Renee had one request, she asked us nicely if as soon as we got the text message with the baby’s name, would we please put up the name before they came home. Sure, no problem we said.

The design for the name decal again was pretty simple for the most part but they wanted it in brick red letters outlined in brown. She kept telling me there was no rush on the name decal, we had plenty of time. But,  I was a little nervous wondering if the machine or materials would give me trouble the day I needed to get it done ASAP. So, I told her I would make a decal for each name they picked out, “CARTER” and “MAKENNA”, and we’d just use whichever one we needed. That way they would be there, ready to go and I wouldn’t have to worry about having issues and not getting it up in time.

We put the decals up just before her baby shower on November 7th so her family from out of town could see the almost finished room. Then I wrapped up the name decals and gave that to her at the shower and told her to be sure to put the decals in the closet so I’d know where to find it when the big day came.

So, keep in mind that was just over a week ago on the 7th and Baby Wilson was expected slightly over a month from now on December 18th.

Yesterday Renee e-mailed me around 8AM and asked if I’d send photos of the room as-is without the name decal so I did. I thought it was a little odd that she never replied but thought maybe she was in meetings all day. Then, a little after lunch I got a text that Dave & Renee  were blessed with a beautiful little daughter. Turns out that Renee noticed something didn’t feel quite right with the baby so they saw the doctor around 9:30 AM who promptly got them in for a c-section and at 11:31 little 5 lb 1 oz Makenna was here! I’m sure yesterday morning must’ve given them quite the scare but thankfully, I’m told both Mom & baby are doing very well.

Needless to say I was also surprised at Makenna’s early arrival, we certainly didn’t expect to finish her room for another month! Not a huge deal…Andy & I only had plans to go pick up our 13 FOOT CHRISTMAS TREE that he has not stopped asking for since we moved into our house (I’m sure we’ll be posting more on that later!), but we were already pretty tired from our early morning gym schedule. So, we followed our mantra of MSH (Make Sh- er,  I mean Make Stuff Happen)

On the drive over to the Wilsons we were discussing how Dave promised he would leave us a marker so we knew exactly where they wanted the decal placed but I assured Andy there was probably no time and that was likely the last thing on their mind yesterday; we’d just have to do the best we could and hope it was right.

I should know better…never underestimate the Wilsons. We walked into Makenna’s room to find this:

 

Look closer…

Correct name decal out, ready to go. But wait, look even closer…

A note telling us exactlywhere the decal should line up. And P.S., it was signed  :::heart::: Makenna.

Now, I’m going to apologize for my poor photography skills because I took the next shot at a bad angle.
Renee, if you’re reading this at the hospital I promise the decal is on straight, centered over the crib.

And here’s another shot from the door:

Welcome home Makenna and congratulations Dave & Renee, you done good!