The Big Decision
RETRO POST
I wrote this last year and kept it in a safe place until I decided whether or not I wanted to publish it. Although it’s quite personal, maybe it will help others who are feeling the same as I was at the time.
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I am writing this post today, October 2, 2009 not knowing when I will be able to make it public, if ever. I debated whether or not it’s a good idea for me to write about it at all, but I’ve always had an innate need to write, mostly and especially when I have serious or deep thoughts about something. This is a big and very personal decision in my life and I feel the need to write about it, even if no one will ever read it or if it will be read a long time from today.
I want to talk about my/our decision to try to start a family; my current feeling is to keep things private until we are in the clear so I will tuck this away until the time is right.
For many, many years I couldn’t wait to grow up, get married, have a baby and start my family. I always thought I’d be one of the first Moms out of my group of friends from high school. Turns out I’m one of the last. At one time it really bothered me…I didn’t want to be an “old” Mom. In fact, I wanted to be done having two, possibly three children by the time I was 25. Yikes! Looking back, I don’t know what I was thinking!
Obviously it was important to me to have other things situated – the right husband, a nice home, a higher education, and a good job. As Andy and I began to build our life together I got really excited about the idea of having a family with him and I couldn’t wait to get married, get a new house, have a baby. When we talked about when would be a good time a few years back I didn’t think I could stand to wait until 2009 or after! But, I wanted to do things “the right way” and I wanted to take time to enjoy planning our perfect wedding, and to finish our MBAs.
Funny thing is, now that 2009 is nearly over and those things are a thing of the past, I started to think quite the opposite; I really liked our life and at one point began to question if I wanted children at all anymore. There were so many things to worry about when you’re a parent and the only way I knew how to prevent them from happening was to avoid it completely. I remember just a few months ago when I was out in DC I went to a bookstore. I walked past the pregnancy section and remembered how I used to feel about being excited to have a baby. I picked up a few books and flipped through them. I no longer felt excited or happy about it. In fact, I surprised myself by getting almost nauseous and stressed out about it. My heart was racing and I was driving myself nuts at the mere thought; I had to get away from those books – the thought alone was making me sick! I couldn’t believe it! Now that my life was absolutely perfect in every way I could ever want, for the first time in my life I suddenly didn’t think I would want to have a baby, ever.
Andy never wavered. He stood by the fact that he wanted kids one day but was agreeable to waiting awhile. He assured me my fears were not uncommon and could be conquered if we both worked together to be the best parents we could. If I wanted to wait, he was fine with that. (He is amazing, isn’t he?)
It has been a crazy few months. I’m not sure when exactly it started, maybe after graduation, but I have been questioning this subject almost on a daily basis. Ugh. It has been terrible.What do I really want? Can I overcome my fears? Why do I feel like this? What if I wait too long and change my mind? What if I can’t have children? Sometimes I would bring up the topic with Andy and bless his heart he has been so patient, promising me it’s not as bad as I think. He suggested I stop thinking about all the potential negative aspects and instead focus on the good parts.
And then, almost instantly I changed my mind again. It sounds odd, I know. It’s not like I’m deciding what I’ll have for lunch…I’m talking about a human life, a decision that will affect not only my life, but to some extent the lives of our families, too. I’m not really sure what happend. My whole perspective started to change, like almost instantly. I got to thinking about the time I spent with my nieces, and the things we talked about during our Girl Trip. My old BFFs and I talked a lot on the way there and back about a ton of things in life. When KC sang “There Goes My Life” Natalea leaned over to me and said, “This is really what it’s like.” When I got back that weekend I finished reading “The Big Love,” which is about a girl in her early 30s going through relationship issues. There were several meaningful passages in that book that really hit home and it made me stop and think about how wonderful my life is with Andy, how I didn’t want to live the rest of our lives just the two of us, and how I wanted to experience the joys and even the challenges of having a family with him. Suddenly, I very much wanted that to happen. Like now!
Andy & I had the big discussion recently and decided that we would start with (excuse the pun) baby steps by no longer taking measures to prevent it from happening. Of course, my controlling/planning /obsessive self took over almost immediately and the next thing you know I’m all excited, doing everything I can to help my fertility and really hoping that it happens…soon!
So, if you are reading this it is either because I am in fact pregnant, or am having trouble getting pregnant and have opened up about the challenges I’m experiencing. Let’s hope it’s the first option. I’m usually not this lucky, but I literally just wrote this post on how I’m oddly happy today. In the back of my mind I am hoping it is because my body has a secret and that I am in fact one of the very lucky girls who is in the process of getting pregnant right now, on the very first attempt.
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Well, here we are just 10 short months later and I am sitting with our beautiful baby asleep in my arms. Not once during this incredible journey did I question our decision or get scared about the future again. I know there will be some challenges in the years to come, but I hear the joys outweigh the bad stuff tenfold. Plus, come what may, I truly believe Andy & I can get through anything together.
Despite numerous people telling us how our lives will never be the same…do this and that now before it’s too late, things will be chaotic…etc., Andy & I both agree the transition into parenthood has not bothered us one bit. I decided it must mean we were definitely ready and the time was right. No doubt about it, Kayden is a wonderful blessing and a welcome addition to our life. Now that we have her I cannot imagine a moment without her.
She is unquestionably one of the best decisions and greatest accomplishments of my entire life.
Favorite Things
I’ve quickly discovered a few of my favorite things. (I mean, other than raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.)
Graco Pack ‘n Play® Playard with Newborn Napper®
First, after having to be plugged into the biliblanket for several days we learned how convenient and useful the Pack ‘n Play is. Rather than unplug her, hike her upstairs, replug her and put her to bed each night we simply slept downstairs in the living room with her. Andy likes to fall asleep on the couch watching TV anyway so it worked out beautifully! Kayden slept in the super soft, removable bassinet part of the Pack ’n Play . The removable changing station and diaper stacker is so handy to have nearby. I added a plastic bag next to the diaper stacker and have the top portion of the napping station (below the bassinet and changing station) packed with extra diapers, wipes, hand sanitizer, blankets and pacifiers. Makes it VERY easy to tend to her needs in the middle of the night because everything you need is right there.
Total Baby Application for my iPhone
At first I wondered if it would be worth the $4.99 for this app. I still have quite a lot left on my gift card from last Christmas but I’m forever a cheap frugal girl and think carefully before buying apps, especially since there are so many good free ones out there. This one was definitely worth it.
I didn’t think it would be all that difficult to remember when I last fed and changed Kayden, but after a few nights of little to no sleep I’m lucky to wake up knowing her name let alone what time I fed her, for how long and from which side she nursed. So yes, this handy app is wonderful; you can track all that and more with just a click of a button – diaper changing (what time, if she was wet/dirty/both), feeding (which side nursing/bottle/food), nap times, bath times, other timers.
Additionally, it tracks doctor appointments, growth, vaccines, allergies, milestones and even has a journaling function. It also allows you to export data via e-mail or sync/backup/restore via Wi-Fi connection. I don’t use the app to its full capabilities at this time but I do love it.
Munchkin: Jelly Bean® Reversible Sling
This sling is awesome! I just got it out of the package yesterday and already love it. Kayden is comforted by being close to me and it allows me to keep my hands free to type, do housework, eat, etc. My hypnobirthing instructor said they are great for breastfeeding in public too so I’ll have to work on that so I won’t have to park out in the middle of nowhere in the mall parking lot to feed her like I did yesterday!
The sling is reversible, providing a couple different fabric options and it’s very comfortable. I have another sling that is just a single type of fabric and I must say I prefer the reversible sling…it feels sturdier and also has a padded edge on one side. The website says it can be worn in several different positions, which I can try as she gets older. There are no rings or buckles to worry about so that is nice too.
That’s all for now! I’m sure I’ll discover more as time goes on. =)
*Note: This is NOT a sponsored post. But if Graco, Munchkin, or any other baby product company WANTS to sponsor a post I’d be happy to write one (or more!) =)
Maternity Photos
Thank goodness we were able to get our maternity photos done before Kayden arrived!
Some of my faves:
More located HERE.
I am super excited to see Kayden’s newborn photos too! Those are scheduled for next week. Photos courtesy of www.annstewardphotography.com
First Doctor Visit
We took Kayden for her newborn visit yesterday. Everything was great except Dr. Wenck still thought she looked like she had Jaundice. Test results came back at 14.4 and they suggest we use a Biliblanket for a couple days and go back for another visit on Friday. =(
The Biliblanket is a paddle with fiber-optic light that is placed on her back 24/7, or as much as possible. It will help break down the bilirubin so her little body can process and get rid of it. Poor little baby looks like an electric glow-worm.
Good news is she is nursing better and more frequently so that will also help flush the bilirubin out of her system. Hopefully we can get rid of the equipment tomorrow and have a mobile baby again!
The First Night Home
Kayden came home on Tuesday, July 20th. Andy & I were both exhausted but unbelievably happy.
Meeting the dogs:
The dogs were wound up like an 8-day clock when we got home, which is par for the course when we’ve been gone for a few days. Plus, Andy gave them all baths right away, another surefire way to get them all crazy. Then obviously Kayden brought in a lot of new sounds and scents so the dogs were C-R-A-Z-Y trying to take her in and see what she was all about!
We took her to visit my grandparents that afternoon and she had a few visitors in the early evening. I tried to sleep during the day/evening since she was sleeping but I was too excited; I just wanted to hold her, stare at her and love on her every moment I could. So, while I sat in awe over our beautiful baby Andy was in full force picking up the house getting things in order and cleaning, which is always nice. =)
I tried to nurse her as much as possible due to the low blood sugar issue in the hospital. She was getting better, but not where she needed to be yet. Andy & I finally started to wind down around 10 PM or so and wouldn’t you know that’s about the time little Miss Kayden decided to get up. =) None of us got much sleep that night.
Kayden suddenly caught on to nursing and wanted to nurse 15-30 minutes at a time every hour or two so I let her. Later the doctor said 15 minutes per side was enough, she was likely using me as a pacifier. But, I will do whatever it takes to make sure she’s getting enough and that her levels are appropriate.
How will we ever be able to say no to this face?
Kayden’s Birth Story
Our beautiful daughter blessed us with her presence 15 days early and we couldn’t be happier to welcome her to our family. Kayden Nicole Meckley was born Sunday, July 18, 2010 at 10:17 PM weighing in at 7 pounds, 15 ounces and 19 inches long.
Although I entertained the idea that she may come early (and I’ve heard it both ways – oh your first is ALWAYS early/late) I chose to not dwell on things because I knew she would come when she was good and ready. Everyone had been asking me the usual – Have you dropped yet? Are you nesting? Have you gotten a surge of energy? (All potential signs that labor is near.) Well, the answer up until I actually went into labor is no, no and no. I was actually surprised myself that I sort of procrastinated on getting the baby’s room ready and in order; we had just had our baby shower on July 11th and were still getting things put away and ready for the big day.
Saturday morning, July 17th, started off fairly normal, I got up around 8 AM and decided I really did need to at least get the baby clothes washed and put away - that was as close as I got to nesting. I was feeling a little off and not up to doing much the rest of the day because my swollen feet hurt and I was just feeling altogether big, tired and pregnant. When Andy got up he was in full force nesting mode and finished getting Kayden’s room cleaned, sorted and in order, while I sat and watched. =)
Labor Begins
At one point during the day I joked that maybe my feeling “off” was because we were going to be having a baby much sooner than later. Around 10 PM my suspicions of labor grew stronger with every contraction. Since this was the first uncomfortable contraction sensations I’d had I wasn’t sure if it was the real deal or maybe false labor so we timed them and did what we could to keep me comfortable at home for as long as possible.
Using what I had learned in our Hypnobirthing class I breathed through the surges as best I could but after a couple hours I wasn’t sure I could go the no-meds route the pain was so bad. We called the midwife around midnight who advised us to wait another hour or two to see if my 30-60 second contractions would last longer than a minute regularly. As the night went on things continued to progress - I vomited a couple times and I tried sitting in a warm tub to ease the contractions. I tried to sleep in between surges but didn’t have much luck.
Heading to the Hospital
At 5 AM I felt a slight gush and checked to see if my membranes released. It wasn’t a lot of water so again, I wasn’t sure if it was my water breaking or part of the “bloody show”. The surges were between 3-5 minutes apart and 60-90 seconds long so I told Andy now was the time to head to the hospital. We were admitted at 5:30 AM and they confirmed my water had indeed broke; I was dilated to 4.5 cm and 80% effaced.
Once we got in the labor & delivery room I felt surprisingly better even though the contractions continued. My midwife told me getting past the 4 cm mark is probably the more difficult part of dilating and my nurse thought I was able to concentrate more going forward knowing that I was where I needed to be. We told the nurses and midwife that our plan was to use pain and other medication as a last resort. They were all really impressed at how I was managing the contractions. Sure they were strong, but I didn’t think they were all that bad yet. Andy would watch the monitor and tell me when the surge was peaking and when it was on the downhill slope, which helped a lot with my visualizations.
At first we were told first time moms usually deliver around 12 hours, which would mean at 10 AM Sunday morning. The nurse said she guessed we’d have Kayden by noon. Noon came and went and I continued to dilate. Next they said maybe by 3 PM. At 3 PM I was at 7 cm and Kayden was at -1 station so we continued to wait. The nurses and midwife continued to compliment me on how I was managing, saying I was a textbook example of how it should be, which gave me a boost of confidence that I really could do this my way.
Somewhere around this time they discovered I had what I think they called a “forebag”, a part the membranes that did not fully release so they broke it and there was a lot more fluid than when my water initially broke. We hoped this would help move things along.
The Turning Point
Then, at 5 PM I hit my breaking point; the surges had grown stronger and closer but I had not dilated anymore and they were recommending Pitocin to get things moving. I had been awake for about 33 hours ( in labor for 19) and hearing that my body was at a standstill caused me to lose focus on my hypnobirthing methods and rethink the no-meds route. I knew if I took Pitocin it would definitely intensify the situation and possibly prolong the process.
The fact that I was considering it at all made me feel like I was letting myself and my daughter down, but I knew things were going to be longer and stronger from here on out any direction we went. Andy and I discussed my options and decided to go ahead with the Pitocin, something to take the edge off the contractions, and finally an epidural. They called the anesthesiologist (who was home having dinner with his family), started me on the necessary fluids for the epidural, and administered the Pitocin and other pain meds while we waited for the epidural.
What a world of difference.
Feeling no Pain
It was so nice to finally get some relief. I was nervous at first because they said I might feel drunk and out of it but I just felt much calmer and sleepy. I think I actually was able to get a wink or two of sleep in between contractions.
The first dose of medicine was wearing off before I was ready for the epidural and I could tell things were getting rough again. I should have been up walking around, trying to get gravity to help the situation but I just wanted to lay in the bed. Once I started feeling the pain in full force again I wondered how I would ever pull off the rest of the labor; I was so exhausted and whiney at this point I couldn’t even cry.
Our midwife checked me again around 6 PM and I was up to 8 or 9 cm and she said maybe I did not even need the epidural. I told her my plan had changed; I definitely wanted the epidural! She gave me another dose of the pain medicine to help until the anesthesiologist arrived, which was about 6PM when he gave me the epidural.
I tried not to think about the video I had seen of a woman getting an epidural…it does NOT look like fun! Andy said he watched the whole thing and agrees, it does not look like fun! Instead, I used my hypnobirthing techniques to stay calm while they got me prepped in between contractions.
I was pleasantly surprised at the epidural; the worst part was the numbing shot they gave before inserting the catheter, and it wasn’t all that bad considering. And then I thought I would be completely numb and not able to move my lower body…again, not true. I could feel everything and move everything, I just did not feel pain. It was wonderful!
I was able to comfortably lay there through all contractions. The nurses and midwife kept asking if I felt the urge to push but I never really did. When I started to have different sensations around 9 PM they checked me again and said it was time to start pushing!
Witnessing a Miracle
The nurses put a mirror in place so I could watch the entire birth happen; had I not had the epidural I don’t think I could have been focused and in present mind to witness and fully appreciate the miracle that was taking place before our eyes.
Kayden’s head took longer than I expected to crown but when it finally did and we were able to get it out the rest of her followed immediately. I expected to have to work on the shoulders for awhile too but instead the next thing I knew Andy had caught her and set her on my chest. I did it. We did it. Our baby girl was here!
Hospital Stay
We stayed in the hospital until late Tuesday morning. The only issues we had was that Kayden slept ALL THE TIME! Which is normal, and nice most times, but she wasn’t nursing much. They were having to prick her tiny little foot every couple hours and her sugar levels continued to drop. I didn’t like it, but at one point they practically force fed her an ounce or two of formula to try to get her levels up and I continued to try to nurse her. Eventually she started passing the tests but still wasn’t eating as much as she should. She would cry a bit when she got pricked or got a shot but quickly fell right back asleep.
The very worst part of the stay was when they were doing the last part of the blood work and doing additional jaundice testing. They said they would do it all at once so they only had to prick her foot one last time. What they failed to mention it they had to squeeze, squeeze, squeeze her little foot for what felt like an eternity to collect all the blood they needed. At that time I had only gotten a few hours of sleep over the course of the last three days and I’m sure my new mommy hormones were in full effect so I lost it when she gave her first real blood curdling scream. Tears fell down my face as all I could do was sit there and watch while stroking her head and holding her hand. It brings tears to my eyes even now just thinking how much it broke my heart to see her in pain and not be able to do anything for her.
We were both released late Tuesday morning. Our new life has just begun!
What a Guy
As I was going through my photos today I realized I don’t believe I ever got around to posting this. Since I haven’t started a pregnancy journal or baby book (I know – GASP!) I wanted to blog it so I don’t forget to put it in the baby book one of these days (years?!)
A couple months back when I was in “busy season” at work I told Andy how stressed out and exhausted I was that day. He always asks “What can I do to help?” Usually my response is “Oh, nothing…I just need to vent.” That day, however, I wanted chocolate. I wouldn’t really say that I’ve had cravings being pregnant, but I have more-so taken the opportunity to give into my usual urges which are primarily focused around chocolate. So, I asked him to bring me something chocolate on his way home from work. I didn’t mean the whole aisle of chocolate, but Andy’s a bit extreme. 
This is what I got:
A whole smorgasboard of chocolate!
Another similar stressful day around that same time, without asking for anything, he brought me brownies, a smiley face cookie and flowers…
What a guy.
No wonder my bump is growing, growing, growing!!!
Embracing the Belly
Baby Gifts for Others
Tara and Wendy, two of my besties from childhood are having babies this year too so I thought I’d share some of the crafty creations I made for them. Tara is having a boy and Wendy is having a girl, and both are crazy about Elvis.
For Tara’s little guy:
Onesie with a tie applique (And maybe this goes without saying, but the stitching is supposed to look messy…didn’t want you to second guess my sewing skillz!) with matching bib and burp cloths.
And for Wendy’s little girl:
I’ve decided giving “green” bags as gift bags should be my new thing…how cute is this?!
Elvis Onesie with Heart Applique & Removable Tutu – totally impractical but SOO cute!
Matching Burp Cloths
“I Made Your Crybaby TapOut” Onesie. Wendy’s cousin is an amature MMA fighter so I thought she’d like this.
Portable Changing Pad with Pockets filled with travel size goodies – lotion, soap, powder, etc. and a pacifier clip.
Wendy’s getting a little more because I got on one of my DIY kicks and couldn’t stop making things! Hope they like their gifts!
The Baby Formerly Known As Nugget
Now has a name! Assuming the ultrasound techs are correct, we will be welcoming Little Miss Kayden Nicole Meckley in less than four short months! Some days I still can’t believe this is real.
The doctor’s gender opinion wasn’t very assuring at our last ultrasound…after several minutes of poking and prodding without a good, clear shot of the goods she said, “eh, I’m going to say it’s a girl. But don’t go painting the room pink and save your receipts.” What?! I was super disappointed and they could all tell. The good news was that everything looked good so they would not need another ultrasound. Of course I was happy about that but did not think I could really get into registering, shopping and planning until I knew if the baby was a boy or girl. So, a few days later we went for another opinion at Mom2Be Sonography. That was pretty cool. We did not do the 3D/4D, just the regular kind to determine the sex. She said she’s 99.9% sure it’s a girl. So, two people who spend all day interpreting ultrasounds both think it’s a girl so I feel much better about the assessment.
And, to my surprise I am not the least bit disappointed it’s a girl! It’s terrible to admit, but a small part of me thought I might be but that was certainly not the case. Several people seem to think Andy would be disappointed too as I’ve gotten a few “Ohhh, is Andy upset it’s a girl?” Which kind of seems odd. Like they actually expected to hear “Oh yes, he’s terribly upset over this girl thing; it nearly broke his heart.” LOL WRONG! When he heard the news his eyes got big and he took a deep breath and smiled. He later told me, “Well, that’s even more motivation for me to be the biggest, strongest, scariest looking Dad I can be in about 16 years.” =) He’s really looking forward to teaching Kayden things and coaching sports teams. I told him not to worry, she can play sports, get dirty and help farm like any other little boy could.
It will be interesting to see how this little girl grows. I was a HUGE tomboy. Huge. As in short hair, boys clothes, would rather play army than Barbies (although I did have Barbies). And even though my room was yellow with flowers the decor was red, white and blue WWF Wrestling – bed set, curtains, posters, action figures, etc. Yep. Probably would never guess that knowing me now, but back in the day I was about 90% boy. I made a remark to my fellow preggo friends who knew me growing up and said that my little girl is probably going to be the biggest tomboy. They looked at me funny and said, “Yeah right! Your little girl is going to be all frilly and pink and proper!” When I thought about it I laughed and agreed. She probably will be, considering she’s already got a closet full of girly clothes. Oh well. That’s fine. But, she’ll learn it’s okay to get dirty too, if she chooses.
I finally started to feel our little one kick on March 31st around 22-1/2 weeks. It’s still pretty faint, but I can tell it’s happening! Although lots of people feel kicks as early as 16 weeks the doctor said it probably has taken me longer because the placenta is in front so she’s got to kick harder for me to feel it. I can’t wait to see it from the outside!
A couple weeks ago we registered at Babies R Us and at Target so that’s pretty much taken care of. I can hardly stand how cute little girl clothes are! It’s killing me not to buy everything in sight when I’m out and about.
Things have been going well for the most part. I’ve been fighting a sinus cold off and on for about a month and I’ve been extremely busy at work, which pretty much takes all my energy right now. But, other than that it’s all good. Hopefully things will start to slow down soon and I can start the nesting processing.
